Race Recap: 18 Miles, 8 More To Go

9/17/2019

Many inexperienced runners that I talk to about pursuing the completion of a marathon cannot fathom the fact that their bodies are capable of going the distance. They think of the physical facet; the heightened heart rate and breathing for an extended amount of time, the discomfort of minor aches and sore muscles, and the consistent training. All of these aspects can be conditioned and worked on, but what the lay people don’t realize is that when your body is in physically good enough shape to handle the distance, it’s really just the mind that you have to control throughout the endeavor.

My mind was not in it for one of the longest races I’ve done so far this year. I knew my body, given the right conditions, could take on the challenge of the NYRR TCS New York City Marathon Training Run 18M. However, the few days leading up to it I was running low on mental fuel. I was on a great sleep deficit due to my early client schedule (starting 6am) and late schedule (ending 9pm), my food intake was off thanks to weird hours and less-than-stellar nutrition (again, thanks to lack of sleep), I was getting stressed out about my physical appearance since I’d been getting an overload of compliments lately, and hearing the news of more people I know passing away recently really set the tone for not feeling great. 

I knew I’d likely lose some weight due to the energy demands of running more frequently, but it felt more drastic and I can see my muscles shrinking away along with the body fat. I had worked really hard to become strong over the past few years and liked the athletic frame I built. When I’m getting compliments over my new figure, which is lean and lacking in feminine-yet-athletic curves, it throws me into a mental loop of wondering if my previous form wasn’t good enough in others’ eyes (even though it was good enough for me). My training for the marathon is not (and never has been) about weight loss or what I look like, so for me to be assessed based on appearance instead of performance is like a director hiring a voice actor based on their hair color rather than for their vocal skills for the role. Unfortunately this already happens too often in the media. For example, when a female wins first place in an Olympic event, the host talks about how good they look instead of how fast they run. These thoughts bothered me for several days, and I can only imagine how the positive reinforcement of appearance compliments affect those with an eating disorder.

I went to bed early the previous night and passed out in the middle of an episode of The Office, but I was still so exhausted and woke up in the middle of a bad dream at 4 a.m. I had to get to the race for a 7 a.m. start and public transportation on a Sunday morning is not always reliable. I was in my own head, attempting to meditate on the PATH train, but another runner started talking to me and wanted company for the walk through Central Park. That’s a perfectly valid thing to do given how dark it was outside and that there are terrible people who try to take advantage of the lack of light and do terrible things. I didn’t mind the company so much as I just wanted to be able to clear my thoughts and not waste energy talking before a very long race.

We got there, and I warmed up as best as I could. My feet and ankles still felt a bit sore even after a foot massage the day before. I strangely felt hungry, which I knew was another bad sign since I usually run while fasted. I figured as soon as I got moving I’d be fine.

I lined up in my usual Corral E near the 3:30 finish time pacer to see if qualifying for Boston was within reach. I was aiming to stick by that group of people so I could properly pace myself throughout the whole 18 miles and beyond. They started out at a reasonable warmup for the first few miles and I was able to keep up, but my first wall was around Mile 4. Uh oh….too soon to hit a wall. My body felt achy when it should have felt warmed up. The humidity of the morning was starting to make me feel too hot despite all the water and electrolytes I took previously. I was focusing on my ChiRunning form, but the alignment seemed off. The first lap out of three in Central Park was the best of them all, but it was still brutal.

The second and third laps felt excruciatingly long. I’ve run these hills before, so I don’t know why they felt so much harder to bear than before. Eventually the 3:40 pacer group passed me, then the 3:45. I thought I was still within reach until the 4:00 pacer group passed me, making me feel more defeated than I already felt. I stopped caring about the pace and finish time, and just focused on chugging along without giving up. I had been through bigger hardships than this, but the emotional pain was manifesting itself in my run like a poltergeist. It was one of those runs that I couldn’t wait to complete just for it to be over. 

My MapMyRun app somehow calculated that I ran another mile than the race itself, so I knew that average pace was going to be way off from the chip time. I had to wait a few hours to find out how I actually did, but the walk and trains back home felt like forever as I slowly made it to the coffee shop on my stumpy tortoise legs. I still had my bib on with honor, although my theme of defeat still felt fresh. 

When I checked my standings, I actually did really well in my age group (still in the top 100 of F30-34). My average pace was also under what I needed to complete the marathon in 4 hours, even when I had my slow moments. My perceived effort was high for this race, but now I know what to work on and that I’ll still be able to finish within my goal. I might do even better if the circumstances allow on November 3rd. It just goes to show you that even if everything feels like it sucks, you’re still doing better than you thought. Eight more miles is within reach.

Clockwise from the bottom right: Optimism in the corral, my stats for 18M, post-race flush, drenched clothes with the Biofreeze frame. Despite my stats, this felt ROUGH.